I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
