At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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