I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Randomize
