i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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