Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
