My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
