That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
