So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
