I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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