I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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