I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
