Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(415): View more from California

I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!

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(770): View more from Georgia

I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?

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(209): View more from California

she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award

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