I love having hate sex.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
