so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
