he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
