Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she smelled like a LAN party
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
