i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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