I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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