I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
