An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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