Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
