Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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