I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
