Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
