Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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