What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
