So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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