College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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