I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
