He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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