i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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