it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
