Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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