I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
im holly from the hills drunk
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
