The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize