I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
