3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
