I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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