Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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