Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
