My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
