You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
