If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
