You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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