you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
