He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
