I'm eating all of the evidence.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
