I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We left an ass print on the piano.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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