so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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