yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
