oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I want her autograph on my taint
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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