is your mom at the bar?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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