did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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