Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I need a beard to bite.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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