too bad you live with your parents still
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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