When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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